the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.