Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
SPLOOT
![]()
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
![]()
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.