Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
lmao
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.