I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
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shut up and take my money
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.