I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
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Twitter is the new flypaper.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.