So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
#Caturday
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive