Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
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A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Twitter fine art
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I unironically love this joke.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!