[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Meow
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco