My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
You Might Also Like
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
We’re all getting idioter.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
i was baptized in a car wash
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations