[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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The sacred texts.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.