Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
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How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off