Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves