The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
You Might Also Like
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously