[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I am a gravy boat captain
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line