A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms