Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You Might Also Like
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
RT if you could go either way.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.