Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme