My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.