I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
From my Mom
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you