@Aikiwomannc

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

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@SondraDeeMe

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

@VancityReynolds

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

@TheTweetOfGod

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

@MelwiththeHair

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

@KingRainhead

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@jackiembouvier

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

@daddygofish

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

@sensual_dad

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.