Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Hmmmmm
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.