8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
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[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident