Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.