I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
wow
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
The two types of wives
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much