All excellent questions
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
How does one make tacos.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket