we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.