“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Proofread twice, hang posters once
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president