I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.