A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.