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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
took too long to spell doubt
Chess in Australia must be hard.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times