Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles