I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Hot Panini is in big trouble
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Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.