“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
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I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
So sick of all these stupid rules
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism