This was the best day of my life
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.