my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Happy Thanksgiving
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground