Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
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Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
looks legit
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day