*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”