You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’