i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
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“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
man i love columbo
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
mmm onion ringos
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
welp
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.