welp
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.