Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Feels like the fourth month in January
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind