I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
step 6: release the wall snake
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls