some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not