Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Breaking news:
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
another case of gang violins
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.