My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie