shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.