Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.