80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
is this store having a stroke wtf
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Your secret is safeish with me