80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
![]()
You Might Also Like
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Van Gone
![]()
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.