Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.