The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
![]()
You Might Also Like
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.