The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up