The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard