Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Best misinterpreted text ever!
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
CUTE CAT‼︎
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning