Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
🖤✌🏽
fr
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult