“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.