A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam